"Where do you get your self worth?"
If you really stop for a second and ask yourself that question how does your body respond? Did you shift a little? Did your face twitch in any way? Did your heart skip or stomach flop? Did you have the urge to resist it altogether? In short, did it make you a little uncomfortable?
That question was posed to me by my therapist at the end of our last session and it made my insides a little squeamish. Over the course of the next few weeks in between sessions I contemplated this question multiple times searching internally.
In my contemplation it was hard for me to come up with an answer because every time I came up with something, for instance, “service to others” I would counter that thought with but if your ability to be of service to others is somehow taken away where then does your worth originate? My mind went on a mental teeter totter. Our existential worth transcends any titles that we carry, any status that we have, possessions that we own, abilities we have, etc yet as humans we are taught that all of those things hold value and whether we consciously or subconsciously subscribe to it we measure our worth by them.
Over the course of the last few years I’ve been on a spiritual journey. This path has not followed any practice in particular just what I have felt necessary for me, my growth, and trust of intuition and has been deeply connected to my own self awareness and self betterment. There’s been breakthroughs, past traumas surface, grief, clarity, and a wave of emotions but ultimately it’s been the constant contemplation of existence, purpose, and what I now understand to be the contemplation of origin of self worth. I had already asked myself the question and started the work but when my therapist asked the question it put into perspective my minds challenge of putting the pieces together... or rather the procrastination to open up the compartmentalized proverbial drawer where self bias resides.
So much of our perceived value can be stripped away at any moment. I find it humbling to contemplate that reality and live in the feeling of “what then”. I’ve slowly started to strip away things in reality as their perceived value to me is irrelevant. We live in a very consumeristic, materialistic society and for me the reality of that is heavy because happiness, content, and worth will forever be “the next big thing” that can be obtained or measured. Being in the beauty industry I see the trends and the effect that this can have on the overall mental health and feeling of self worth for individuals.
Of course I’m fully aware of the continual practice of mindfulness, awareness, and work it takes to relearn how to draw from the internal tank of self worth instead of external factors, forces, or beings BUT… With that said, this year I’m wanting to live more mindfully and with intention and for me that is gonna mean removing a lot of the unnecessary fluff in order to focus on the things that truly matter and measure my worth by a metric that society doesn’t have a clue how to compare.